


Assorted Ficlets

by SugarCrystal



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-04-21 19:38:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14291976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/pseuds/SugarCrystal
Summary: Everything that's too short to warrant being posted on its own.





	1. You and Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by learning there was a deleted line from Rimmer's trial scene in _Justice_ , where Lister explains that the reason Z-Shift consisted only of himself and Rimmer was because everyone else had requested a transfer to another shift as they couldn't stand working under Rimmer. Meaning Lister _chose_ to stay with him?

Rimmer strode to his place at the front of the room whilst Lister took a seat at random. He had his pick of seats, the room was empty apart from the two of them. Z-Shift had gradually whittled down to only three members, Rimmer, Lister and Petrovich, who didn't seem to have arrived yet. Rimmer's attitude and behaviour had driven everyone else away.  
To be honest, Lister had been considering a transfer too; he had to _live_ with Rimmer, working with him as well was more than one person should have to put up with. 

"So," Rimmer began. "Good morning, Z-Shift..,"

"Hang on," Lister stopped him. "Where's Petrovich? Is he ill?"

"He's left," Rimmer said shortly. "Joined K-Shift yesterday. So...,"

"What, so Z-Shift's just _us_ now?!" Lister blurted out. Smegging hell, did this mean he was stuck with Rimmer? If Z-Shift was down to just the two of them, then he wouldn't be allowed to transfer as well, would he? He'd have to discuss it with Personnel.

"That's right," said Rimmer briskly. "Just you and me now, Listy, a two-man team. Much more efficient, wouldn't you say?" His tone was bracing but Lister could hear the unspoken plea in his voice. _Please don't leave me as well, Listy._

No, he couldn't, Lister decided. Even if they would let him leave, he couldn't abandon Rimmer, not now everyone else had. That would be cruel. "That's right, man," he agreed reassuringly. "Just us two, eh? Rimsy and Listy, eh?"

Rimmer was a smeghead, Lister decided, but he was _his_ smeghead.


	2. Appropriate Behaviour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a random idea that occurred to me about a different way for Rimmer to respond to sex, at least when it's with Lister. Supposed to be funny, hopefully.

Lister groaned and thrust upwards against his bunkmate. He was close and so was Rimmer, Lister could tell, he was flushed in the face, his eyes wide, his cock twitching and leaking.

"Go on, Rims," Lister moaned. "Go on, come on me, all over me...,"

Rimmer stopped moving suddenly. "No, I can't do that, Listy," he muttered awkwardly.

Lister stopped his pleasured squirming and look up at him baffled. "What? Why not?"

"Because it's not..., proper behaviour." 

"You what?" 

"It's..., inappropriate! I mean, I'm your smegging shift manager! It's unprofessional!" 

Lister stared in disbelief. "For smeg's sake, Rimmer, I've already got my legs wrapped around your naked body."

"Yes, and that's bad enough! You can't expect me to..., _spill_. Where you can _see_." 

"Well, what did you _think_ was going to...," Lister decided not to pursue that argument. "Look, I won't tell anyone," he promised instead. "Okay?" Not that he'd been intending to tell anyone anyway.

"But _you'll_ know!"

"Jesus smegging Christ, Rimmer, how neurotic can someone possibly get?! Okay, I'll close my eyes, alright? I won't watch."

Smegging hell, what the absolute flying smeg had he got himself into?


	3. If You Insist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for unfortunate implications re: consent.

"Don't you get it, Rimmer?" Lister breathed in his ear. "You always come back to me."

Rimmer squirmed awkwardly, pinned against the wall in Lister's grip. "I don't know what you mean."

"You died," Lister explained softly. "And you came back as a hologram. Holly created a hologram Rimmer to be with me and when that Rimmer got called away from me, the nanobots made you. Every time I lose a Rimmer, the universe gives me another one." He trailed his fingers slowly over the front of Rimmer's uniform shirt. "We're meant to be together, Rimmer. It's fate, it's destiny, you and me. The universe wants us together and I don't wanna fight it anymore." He leant forward to kiss him.

Rimmer jerked his head away before Lister's lips could find their target. "You don't mean that, Listy," he insisted in a tight voice. "It's just the sexual magnetism virus talking."

Lister grabbed a fistful of Rimmer's shirt and tie and pulled him nose to nose. "Shut up!" he growled. "Shut up and kiss me!"

"Okay," Rimmer squawked. He swallowed hard, licked his dry lips. "If you insist."


	4. First Sight

Rimmer irritably returned to the bunkroom, they were always finding him new third technicians and none of them ever stuck around for long. Better go and check this one out. If this newcomer had been left to his own devices, who knew what sort of mess he was making in there or things of Rimmer's he was nosing around in. Rimmer needed to find him straight away and start laying down the law about being bunkmates with Rimmer. 

The young man was lying fast asleep on Rimmer's bunk, apparently he hadn't been told that the top bunk was his, and, to Rimmer's annoyance, he hadn't even taken his boots off. He was wearing a stained and grubby cartoon t-shirt and a pair of loud Bermuda shorts that didn't go at all. His hair was the most absurd Rimmer had ever seen, short on top and around the sides but with a string of long dreadlocks coming out of the back.   
Rimmer's eyes travelled over his face, a round face with plump cheeks and a medium brown skin tone. He looked very young, late teens maybe. Rimmer himself had joined the Space Corps aged 18, though you could join at 16 at an entry level job. On the other hand, the lad could be in his 20s.

Pretty, Rimmer couldn't help thinking; much to his annoyance, he always tried not to think of young men as pretty. As he watched, his new assistant snuggled into Rimmer's pillow and smiled to himself in his sleep, his whole face lighting up.  
And Arnold Judas Rimmer fell in love.


	5. Facing the Truth

Rimmer, much as Lister didn't want to admit it, had been the person on the whole ship he was closest too. When you shared both a bunkroom and a work shift with someone, it was difficult not to develop a rapport with them even when the intrinsic differences between you rubbed each other up the wrong way.

And, after all, who else had there been? Kochanski? The woman he'd been involved with for less than a month and utterly failed to win back again. Petersen? A drunken waster he had nothing in common with except a love of beer and drinking games. Todhunter? A guy he got on with well enough but rarely saw outside of official business.

No, Rimmer was the closest person on the ship to him and, as he had no living family, that also made him the closest person in his life. Petersen, Selby and Chen had frequently made jokes about his 'husband' which he'd either laughed off or ignored, maybe, he realised now, because he hadn't wanted to accept they had a point.

When he'd first come out of stasis and Holly had informed him that everyone was dead, Rimmer had not been the first person Lister had asked about. In fact, he'd been quite far down the list of names he'd asked about. And Lister knew why, it was because he hadn't wanted to ask, he'd known what the answer would be and he hadn't wanted to hear it.


	6. Have Sex With Someone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Based on my random musings which threw up the possibilty that the Rimmer who lived in Kochanski's universe was openly gay, and her inspiration for taking Lister's mind off things in _Duct Soup_.

Rimmer followed Lister down the corridor to the lockers. "Listy, Listy..., Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy, it's someone called Tiffany. Someone who drinks campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties...," He went on and on, trying to make up the most common-as-muck hypothetical girl he could think of while Lister rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Sometimes you had to use humour to mask what you were really thinking. _I wish your type was me, Listy. I wish that more than anything. Why do you have to be straight?_

It was just typical of his luck that the most beautiful man he'd ever met was entirely heterosexual. Open-minded enough to be fine with having a gay roommate, but that was as far as it went.

And then Lister made some comment about him having had less sex than a lettuce, then Kochanski told him in a public corridor that he needed to get laid and Lister joined in again, handing him a business card. Fine, he decided, as he stalked off, he would. He'd find himself a rent boy, one who looked a bit like Lister but would follow orders. He'd had quite enough of being laughed at.


	7. Desperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick fic taking a look at the less savoury side of Rimmer. Possible dub-con warning.

Rimmer sat back in his big leather armchair, in front of the roaring fire, a glass of brandy in hand as the storm raged outside. It was warm and cosy indoors but outside rain was pounding against the windows and thunder pealing around the sky.

The doorbell rang, the loud clanging sound echoing through the many rooms of the enormous mansion. Rimmer drained his glass and went to answer it, making his way through the huge wood-panelled entrance hall to the front door. He opened one half of the ancient oaken double doors revealing the raging storm outside as a flash of lightning lit up the sky.

Lister stood on the doorstep, cold and drenched, a threadbare coat wrapped tightly around himself. "I didn't know where else to go," he said pleadingly. "I've got nothing, I lost my job, my landlord threw me out."

"Come in, Listy," said Rimmer quietly.

Lister crossed the threshold and stood shivering in the entrance hall, water running out of the bottom of his coat and gathering in pools at his feet. "Please, man. I'm desperate. I've got nowhere to go, no money. Please help me."

"How desperate?" Rimmer asked softly. He hooked one finger under Lister's chin, tipping his head up to face him. "You need a home, a roof, a _bed_?" He gently pushed the large coat back off of Lister's shoulders and let it fall to the ground. Lister was wearing a sodden t-shirt underneath, almost transparent, clinging to every curve of his upper body. "How desperate are you, Listy?" he repeated.

A look of self-disgust crossed the young man's face. "I'll do _anything_ ," he replied.

Rimmer smiled and caressed his cheek. "I know you will."

Lister sadly shook his head as he walked past the AR suite. Since Rimmer had learned how to properly control _Better Than Life_ , he'd been spending an awful lot of time in it.


	8. Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Valentine's Day so I guess I should post this one today. It's not really romantic though, just Valentine themed.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Rimmer," Lister grinned, entering the bunkroom with the contents of the intership postal box.

"Ah yes, Valentine's Day, putrid adolescent slush," Rimmer sneered. "I see you got some cards."

"'Course I did." Lister smiled innocently. "I'm cute."

"Well, if you like the gerbil face look, I suppose...," Rimmer sniffed. "I assume you sent one to Kochanski? God knows what she made of it."

"Aw, don't be like that, man," Lister tried to cheer him up. He extracted a card from his handful. "Look, you got one too."

Rimmer tore the envelope open irritably.

 _To the most gorgeous man on the ship. Happy Valentine's Day from your secret admirer. I wish I could run my hands through your soft hair and kiss you all over_ , said an untidy scrawl.

"See, someone likes you."

"Lister, use the brains you were born with, it's a practical joke. I get them every year with monotonous regularity. There's always someone who thinks it's amusing to send the most unpopular man on the ship a fake Valentine from an imaginary secret admirer because some people have never mentally aged past their teens." He picked the card up by one corner as if handling a used tissue and dropped it into the bin. "Judging by the appalling attempt at handwriting, it was probably your gormless mate Petersen. Now open your own fanmail and leave me in peace." He returned to his astronavigation book with a scowl.

Lister shrugged to himself, maybe that had been a bad idea. He'd have to think of something else.


	9. Holosex

Lister's eyes raked over Rimmer's naked body, taking in every inch of his toned form and his smooth slender penis. He reached out, attempting to grasp him by the shoulders, and growled with frustration as his hands sank into the intangible form, gripping nothing but air. Rimmer raised an eyebrow and smirked but said nothing. Teasing Lister with a soft light body he couldn't touch was one of Rimmer's favourite forms of foreplay, the sadistic bastard.

Rimmer lowered himself into his bunk, lying slowly down on his back. Lister followed him, he leant over Rimmer's intangible body and helplessly ran his hands over the edges of the projection, feeling nothing. He kissed the air along the outline of Rimmer's thighs and hips and torso, let his face nuzzle into Rimmer's neck and shoulder, sinking partway into him. "Bastard," he whispered.

Rimmer slowly ran his hands over his own body as Lister settled between his legs to watch. "Want this, Listy?" he asked smugly. He reached between his legs and began to stroke himself. "Do you want to touch this?"

Lister just watched him. He could touch himself, of course, but he didn't bother, it wasn't the same. He could do _that_ anytime, after all. 

Rimmer's slim fingers worked their way over himself, fondling his balls, rubbing a thumb over his entrance, returning to his cock as it grew hard under his touch. He smirked up at Lister again.

"Rimmer...," he said warningly.

Rimmer sighed. "Alright." He concentrated and his body flickered and shimmered as it returned to hard light. He reached his arms up and Lister let himself fall forward into his embrace.

"Bastard," he whispered again as he kissed him.

Rimmer smiled and stroked his hair. "I love you too, Listy."


End file.
